Legacy

For some reason, it always seems to be after midnight when I find myself deep in thought about my life, where I've come from, what I've gone through, where I am, and what I want to be.

I've heard a lot about leaving legacies throughout my church experiences.  The idea is to leave something behind when you go - a legacy for Christ.  

I know what I want my legacy to be.  When I die, I want people to remember me as someone who loved the unlovable.  I want to be the person that befriends the ostracized, writes letters to death row inmates, who is generous whether I have a little or a lot, and who believes in lost causes.  I want to be the person that notices the new girl in the back row or the guy stocking the shelves at the grocery store or the homeless guy that sits on the same corner down the street.  I don't want to just invest my life into my close family and friends.  I want my heart to beat for "the least of these."  I don't want to tell people about Christ with an evangecube or a pamphlet.  I don't want to go on mission trips for a week every couple of years.  I want every single day to be a living testimony to the grace of my God.  I want my life to scream "I should be unlovable.  But God loves me anyway.  And that makes me want to love you."

I want to be held accountable to this.  These aren't just words spurted out to make myself feel spiritual or to portray some kind of ideal person to those with expectations.  I think deep down at the very core of who I am, the person described above is all I want to be.  More than a wife or mother or an advertising executive.  Because if I can get that right... If I can love the unlovable, how much better of a wife and future mother and coworker can I be?  If I can love those the world doesn't see as valuable, I should be able to exponentially love those who enrich my life beyond words every single day.  If I can be that person, I can radiate with a holy love everyday.  And that love is bound to spill over to my family.  If I lose everything and everyone I care about, I still want to be a person who is able to be used to bless those I come in contact with.  I want that kind of faith and courage.  

I guess I say this because I've been struggling with this lately.  I find my lack of patience getting better than me.  Or worse, I find myself afraid to take action.  I see a situation, feel a pull to do something about it, and then backtrack.  I begin making excuses.  I need to stop with all the "what if"s and "what would they think"s and "how would i do that"s.  I think sometimes as Christians, we ignore stirrings we have in a heart about something, but don't necessarily categorize it as sin because perhaps the situation isn't directly referenced in the Bible.  If it's not black and white, sometimes we assume the gray is unimportant.  But I believe God actively speaks to us all the time, and therefore if he's telling me to do something - even if it isn't spelled out step-by-step in the Bible - it's still sin if I don't do it.  It's disobedience.  It's ignoring God.  And it's not who I want to be.