love you more - james william hindle

i searched for these lyrics tonight and it irritated me that i couldn't find them anywhere.  they aren't going to win any awards or anything, but i still really like the song.  so for any future lyric-looker-uppers, here they are:

i love you more than i could ever say, or sing, or even show

but i need to have you near so i can feel your heart next to mine

just so you'll know

i'm never going anywhere

i'll always be right there when you need me

because i care

and if i'm shallow, cold, and empty

it's because i feel so strong about you

i apologize for all the times i hurt you

i didn't mean to 

that much is true

and at the end of the day

the only thing that matters is

i love you.

the Christian rant

So something has occurred to me lately. Thus, I am blogging.

First - I bought Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred DVD - thanks to Missy's miraculous powers of persuasion. I've only been doing it 2 days, but it's completely kicking my butt. I'm sore from head to toe. Didn't help that I spent most of the day hiking and climbing haha

Anyways, on to other things. I feel like it's incredibly easy for us as Christians to defend ourselves against from being kept accountable by saying "You're not supposed to judge." This somewhat builds on my last post. I was so afraid of coming across as judgmental and harsh, but I really think it's sad that it comes down to that. I said what I said with complete love and respect. Should that not just be accountability?

We all know the ten commandments, but I think it's way too easy to take them at face value. We know not to murder or covet, commit adultery or steal. We understand that murder includes hatred and adultery includes lust after anyone who isn't your spouse. We know God's standards are so incredibly high, so why do we stop there with those commandments? If two have such high standards, wouldn't it be easy to say the others probably have higher standards than just face value?

Here's the one that I've really been thinking about lately: We're commanded not to take God's name in vain. Here are the first three commandments via Exodus 20:2-7 NIV.

"I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. (1) You shall have no other gods before me. (2) You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand {generations} of those who love me and keep my commandments. (3) You shall not misuse the name of the LORD your God, for the LORD will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses his name. "

So the first three commandments have to do with preserving the holiness and glory of God. He is first. He is the only. And He is not to be taken lightly. He lays that all out on the table before moving on to everything else. Why? Personally, I think it's to make sure you listen to the rest. If you know he is the one and only most important thing/person/deity (no idea what noun should go here) in life and you know He expects you to take that seriously, you get a little healthy respect and take His words with all the salt you can find. You know that whatever comes after that.. He means business.

I actually think these first three commandments are the ones we break the most. It's not uncommon to hear a church sermon or bible study message on putting things before God and virtually making idols out of those things, but how often do we talk about what it means and the severity of misusing the name of God? If he put in in the top ten back in the day, it's clearly a big deal.

I'm crazy guilty of this in the obvious sense of saying "OMG" when shocked or surprised by something. And it's something I will continue to work on. However, I think the biggest misuse of the name of the Lord is actually in the word "Christian."

Again, countless sermons have reminded us that "Christian" means "little Christ." To call ourselves little Christ.. that is a HUGE thing. That means things! It isn't to be taken lightly at all! If we're going to label ourselves with the name of our Savior, we'd better be prepared to make that mean something. We have to be held accountable to what Christ did and called us to do. Otherwise, in my personal opinion and strongly held belief, we are absolutely misusing the name of Christ, which I'm thinking falls in with commandment number 3 due to the whole trinity thing.

When we form tightly held cliques in our churches, the places that are supposed to offer hope and warmth and love to anyone who walks through the door, and we let the world associate our cliques with being "Christians", we're misusing His name. When we value Pharasitic (not a word, but work with me here) rules more than relationships and label ourselves "Christians" for following those rules, we're misusing His name. When we refuse to get angry over injustices and give in to timidity or conformity, we are misusing His name! I do it so much more than I even realize. And I realize that to so many people I know and so many people I grew up with, this is blatantly offensive. But if we call ourselves Christians, we MUST be held accountable to what that means or we trivialize what being "little Christs" to the world is really about.

That overlooked commandment is really such a big deal. It's why we've lost so many people to the belief that we're snobby or hypocrites or want nothing more than to bring them down or that we're indifferent to their problems or needs or indifferent to human suffering general. And it's something I think we all do and all will keep doing much like hate and lust. I think those things kind of creep up on us because we're human. But I also believe that the only way to change behavior is to acknowledge the full extent of the problem. Maybe we just don't think about it enough. Maybe if we think about it more, things can start to change.

This is such a rant. I don't mean to sound angry, but the truth is I kind of am. I don't like seeing the name of our Savior become meaningless or worse. I don't like being someone who is contributing to that. So anyways, it's just something I've come to realize to its full extent lately, and it's something I desperately want to work on.

End Rant.

knowing when to reject silence

growing up i was always intimidated by the oh-so strong faith of those I was spiritually mentored by.  As I get older, I start to see holes in the faith and practice of those I owe so much to.  I guess what's hard now is knowing when it's appropriate to say something, because sometimes these people I love and respect and who are so much wiser than me get clouded by emotions and truly get it wrong.  I don't want to judge others, but I know we're supposed to keep each other accountable, because we're not perfect and sometimes an outside perspective is necessary to get past those emotional blinders.  I guess for me it's hard because I'm always younger and always with a harder past and I always make excuses for why this or that isn't my place.  But in the back of my head is a nagging voice telling me to remember 1 Timothy 4:11 & 12  "Teach these things and insist that everyone learn them. ¹² Don’t let anyone think less of you because you are young. Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity" and 2 Timothy 1:7 "For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline."   So today I finally took a step forward and said something to someone I respect so much.  It was one of those things where the triggering event happened and I knew instantly that I was supposed to say something, and oh let me tell you, I in no way wanted to.  I got this fluttering in my stomach and this fear of being offensive.  Fortunately, not long ago in our small group, we mentioned how easy it is to ignore something God is telling us to do.  I'm supposed to bold and empowered by God.  I can't keep ignoring what I know He is saying to my heart.  I can't keep quiet.

So I won't.

the relevance of country music.

so basically, this sums up what i'm thinking most nights before sleeping. thank you, brad paisley.

except you know, josh isn't a girl and won't be having babies. but the general idea, nonetheless.

I remember trying not to stare the night that I first met you 
You had me mesmerized
3 weeks later in the front porch light taking 45 min to kiss you goodnight
I hadn’t told you yet but I thought I loved you then

Now you’re my whole life; now you’re my whole world
I just can’t believe the way I feel about you girl
Like a river meets the sea
Stronger than it’s ever been
We’ve come so far since that day
And I thought I loved you then.

I remember taking you back to right where I first met you 
You were so surprised 
There were people around 
But I didn’t care I got down on one knee right there
And once again I thought I loved you then 

Now you’re my whole life; now you’re my whole world
I just can’t believe the way I feel about you girl
Like a river meets the sea
Stronger than it’s ever been
We’ve come so far since that day
And I thought I loved you then.

I can just see you with a baby on the way
I can just see you when your hair is turning gray
What I can’t see is how I’m ever gonna love you more
But I’ve said that before.

Now you’re my whole life; now you’re my whole world
I just can’t believe the way I feel about you girl
Well look back some day at this moment that we’re in
And I'll look at you and say I thought I loved you then

change

i just completed my last final (yes, at 11:30.. oh the joys of an online class), and i'm feeling strange as I consider that this time next year, i'll have been in a new state w/ hopefully a new job for several months. this semester has been a good one. last semester was kind of crazy with adjusting to more hours with school and married life in conjunction with being a college student. this semester was more about finding my routine and getting some consistency. it's been fun to slip into the new normal routine with josh. but sure enough, just as things are settled, everything will get turned upside down again.

my final semester is going to look a lot different. josh will be in a different state. that's easily the biggest difference. i also don't know what department i'll work in.. hopefully still management and marketing, but my boss passed away on sunday and she's the one who assigned positions and made the schedule, so i'm not quite sure. it will be really strange not working with her either way. i'm also our ad club president. the club is in a transition stage. this semester's presidents got it organized. my job is grow the club and help it gain some recognition on campus. we also have an opportunity to implement a campaign for a company in murfreesboro, but the time-demands and size of our club makes that seem difficult. i may leave developing an agency to the next president. i'm just not sure yet. i'll be in a campaigns class of my own and only taking 15 hours - which is an incredible blessing because campaigns alone is the time-equivilant of a 9 hour class. the familiar faces and in-class friends i've made over the last 2 semesters within my department are all graduating in may or august.

point being: i'm excited but incredibly nervous for my final semester. i think i'm in denial about the stress of trying to land a job in a place where i have no contacts. everything i think about it, i start to freak out. i've got some time, so i'm just ignoring it for now and focusing on building my resume. regardless of the economy and the move and all the stuff that comes with moving to the next stage in life, i still wouldn't change it. a girl graduating in may told me today "i would give anything to be 16 again." i still firmly stand solid in the fact that you could not pay me enough money to be 16 again. i had no idea who i was or where i was going. i still don't know where i'm going or where i'll end up, but i know exactly who i am in Christ and that makes a world of difference.

church always seems to get me thinking

so New Vision is doing a series called Cultural Christianity and last night touched on idolatry. If I'm honest with myself, idolatry is something I never think about but that runs rampant is most of our lives, including my own. A little while back we talked in our group on Sundays about marriage and how its really all about Jesus.

I guess when I combined these two thoughts, I came up with the fact that I tend to idolize my marriage. Upon first realization of this, I was a little unsure about what to do about it. I'm completely unperfect in my love for Josh. I'm still selfish and I don't think God wants me to love him any less. That doesn't solve the idolatry problem. Instead of loving my marriage less, I need to love God more. I guess what really got to me was this thought: If something happened to Josh and he had left me this love letter and story of everything that made him who he was and what got him where he was and that showed me who I am and how I could make sure I would see him again, I would devour it. It was be with me all the time. I'd read it over and over again remembering him and still loving him for what was there. I'd store it in my heart and it would comfort me in sadness and encourage me and be a source of joy. If in this letter, he left me with a few last requests... to contine to love him and those around me and to tell others his story, I would never be silent. I would honor those requests out of my love and respect for him.

And its those things that made me realize the idolizing of my marriage. Because I don't carry my Bible with me everywhere. I don't overflow with the story of Jesus and his incredible love on a daily basis. I don't pour over the Bible and realize its full power. I don't ache with an undeniable passion to do those few things the love of my life, my Savior, asked of me.

But I think part of the solution is realizing the problem, which I do, and acknowledging that its a problem I do want to solve.

The thought passed through my head the other day "It's so hard to be this person and to constantly remember Jesus in everything I do and to love God with everything I am. Why is this so hard?" And then it occured to me that it's not hard at all. It should be incredibly easy. He's the source of everything good in my life. He's in every breath I take and every relationship I develop. He's in EVERYTHING around me. With reminders all over the place, it should be hard to forget. But it isn't. I think that just shows the extent of my selfishness. If every single thing in my life is from God and I can still get lost in myself, how self-absorbed am I? And I don't say this in consumable guilt. It's just the realization of how broken I am and how all the more incredible it is that He loves me anyway. My faults only make me need Him more and thus become far more appreciative of who He is and what He's done for me.

I think the single greatest change in my life over the last year is the amount I think about God and talk to Him. It was asked in church yesterday if we could go a day without talking to God or thinking about Him. There was a point in time when I could have easily answered yes to that question, but as I thought about it yesterday, I realized that although I feel my need for Him and my imperfections more now than ever, He's also more intertwined in my life now than ever. And I'm happier now than ever. If that makes any sense. The thought of going a day without talking to God is actually painful. I'm kind of in love with that.

I think I'll stop here as I need to shower and finish some stuff before class. Just some thoughts though.

oh sleepy puppy

This is how buddy sleeps.  I've been trying to get a picture for a while now, but he usually wakes up.  This time he didn't :)

he stretched out even more as i started typing this and kicked my laptop shut hah    he keeps twitching, alternating between left hand and each foot...  he never twitches all at the same time.  just goes back and forth.

he's now buried in blankets and dreaming about being allowed to eat everything in sight i'm sure