church always seems to get me thinking

so New Vision is doing a series called Cultural Christianity and last night touched on idolatry. If I'm honest with myself, idolatry is something I never think about but that runs rampant is most of our lives, including my own. A little while back we talked in our group on Sundays about marriage and how its really all about Jesus.

I guess when I combined these two thoughts, I came up with the fact that I tend to idolize my marriage. Upon first realization of this, I was a little unsure about what to do about it. I'm completely unperfect in my love for Josh. I'm still selfish and I don't think God wants me to love him any less. That doesn't solve the idolatry problem. Instead of loving my marriage less, I need to love God more. I guess what really got to me was this thought: If something happened to Josh and he had left me this love letter and story of everything that made him who he was and what got him where he was and that showed me who I am and how I could make sure I would see him again, I would devour it. It was be with me all the time. I'd read it over and over again remembering him and still loving him for what was there. I'd store it in my heart and it would comfort me in sadness and encourage me and be a source of joy. If in this letter, he left me with a few last requests... to contine to love him and those around me and to tell others his story, I would never be silent. I would honor those requests out of my love and respect for him.

And its those things that made me realize the idolizing of my marriage. Because I don't carry my Bible with me everywhere. I don't overflow with the story of Jesus and his incredible love on a daily basis. I don't pour over the Bible and realize its full power. I don't ache with an undeniable passion to do those few things the love of my life, my Savior, asked of me.

But I think part of the solution is realizing the problem, which I do, and acknowledging that its a problem I do want to solve.

The thought passed through my head the other day "It's so hard to be this person and to constantly remember Jesus in everything I do and to love God with everything I am. Why is this so hard?" And then it occured to me that it's not hard at all. It should be incredibly easy. He's the source of everything good in my life. He's in every breath I take and every relationship I develop. He's in EVERYTHING around me. With reminders all over the place, it should be hard to forget. But it isn't. I think that just shows the extent of my selfishness. If every single thing in my life is from God and I can still get lost in myself, how self-absorbed am I? And I don't say this in consumable guilt. It's just the realization of how broken I am and how all the more incredible it is that He loves me anyway. My faults only make me need Him more and thus become far more appreciative of who He is and what He's done for me.

I think the single greatest change in my life over the last year is the amount I think about God and talk to Him. It was asked in church yesterday if we could go a day without talking to God or thinking about Him. There was a point in time when I could have easily answered yes to that question, but as I thought about it yesterday, I realized that although I feel my need for Him and my imperfections more now than ever, He's also more intertwined in my life now than ever. And I'm happier now than ever. If that makes any sense. The thought of going a day without talking to God is actually painful. I'm kind of in love with that.

I think I'll stop here as I need to shower and finish some stuff before class. Just some thoughts though.