the life i have now, it is only the beginning

School has started back, and everything has definitely been a little chaotic. I did get to drop a class though, so that helps tremendously.

I'm in a social media class this semester that actually requires blogging. Unfortunately, this blog doesn't count. :/ Either way, I think it's pretty cool. I'm also in a criminal psychology class that might scare the crap out of me by the end of the semester. The professor will say things like "Studies have shown people who watch crime shows like CSI, etc., are more afraid of violent things happening to them and view the world as a more dangerous place than it actually is." Then she'll follow it 30 minutes later with a story about people in Nashville prisons for sex crimes and dismemberment with anti-social personality disorder or schizophrenia. Not just one or two people, but several. She'll end the story with "And these people get out! They walk the streets of Nashville everyday!" Cue the trembling.

Personal selling is frustrating for me. I'm interested in the subject, but it's my only lecture-style class and it falls between 2:40 and 4:05 which happens to be when I am the most tired throughout the day. I'm definitely not on top of my game in there. And I used to work for the professor, so I know he expects more of me. :/ So far, I messed up the formatting of an assignment and I don't have the book in time for the next one so he's having to lend one to me. Blah. In my defense, the book should be here Wednesday. The assignment is due Tuesday.

Campaigns is fine. I'm the account executive which means I have the most responsibility within the group, but I also am the only one up for extra credit. Plus, it's what I want to do in my career eventually. It's incredibly time-consuming though. Tomorrow will be spent on campaign research and my weekly Professional Writing assignments. I'm taking Professional Writing online, but she requires two thoroughly written assignments per week. That's kind of a lot considering the workload in the rest of my classes. I'm hoping it will help me out in my career though. My campaigns/ad management/copywriting/survey of ad/ad club faculty advisor/professor recommended it. And yes, that is all the same person.

I'm struggling with ad club. None of the speakers or the client have gotten back to me and I kind of need everything together by Tuesday. It's stressful, and I'm not quite sure what to do about it.

I'm missing church and bible study terribly. I don't really realize what a difference they make until I haven't been exposed in a month. They both stimulate me spiritually and without them, I'm feeling a little stagnant. I'm reading my Bible and everything, but it just feels like a piece is missing. Christian radio has really my biggest outlet over the last month. Listening to the words gets me thinking and praying. Not to mention, I get a lot less annoyed while driving.

Nothing else to say really, so I'll leave you with the lyrics that are stuck in my head.

Today I found myself
After searching all these years
And the man that I saw, he wasn't at all who I thought he'd be
I was lost when you found me here
And I was broken beyond repair
Then you came along and you sang your song over me

It feels like I'm born again
It feels like I'm living
For the very first time
For the very first time
In my life

Make a promise to me now
Reassure my heart somehow
That the love that I feel is so much more real than anything
I've a feeling in my soul
And I pray that I'm not wrong
That the life I have now, it is only the beginning

It feels like I'm born again
It feels like I'm living
For the very first time
For the very first time
It feels like I'm breathing
It feels like I'm moving
For the very first time
For the very first time

I wasn't looking for something that was more
Than what I had yesterday
Then you came to me and you gave to me
Life and a love that I've never known
That I've never felt before

It feels like I'm born again
It feels like I'm living
For the very first time
I'm living for the first time
It feels like I'm breathing
It feels like I'm moving
For the very first time
I'm living for the first time
In my life

busy, busy, busy

I need to go to the vet and home depot and do some laundry and workout and pack... but I am on here instead enjoying a few minutes of  peace.  I already knocked ad club stuff off the to-do list for today, so i feel okay about it hah

We've been going non-stop since Thursday, the 13th, which I just realized is the

 last time I posted.  I guess that isn't entirely true.  I had a lot of free time in Florida last week while Josh worked, but it just felt busy since we were gone I guess.

We made an offer on a house in Clermont, but it's not looking very good.  There are 7 other offers on the table and the realtor has implied that while ours is near the best, it isn't quite there  We've made a list of other houses to look at when we go down there tomorrow.  I know Josh has to work Wednesday though and our realtor is busy Thursday I think, so we'll have to fit them all in on Friday and Saturday.  The one I had originally really liked but was pending when we were there last week is now back on the market, so I'm excited to see it.

Presidium was this past weekend.  I expected to really dislike it, but I'm actually really glad I went.  There are some truly amazing people at MTSU that I never would have met otherwise.  I also got a lot of ideas/interest for ad club which is always a good thing.  I didn't take any pictures, but I noticed that I had shown up in a couple of someone else's.  For some reason these uploaded in reverse order than I ha meant for them too and now wont reverse.

I'm in the back corner with my family group in this one hah, which seems silly to keep, but like I said - I didn't take any pictures his weekend, so I'll take what I can get.  My family group was made up of me with Ad club, Kim with Psy Chi, 3 guys with frats, one girl with Collage, one guy with the BCM, and one girl with... like 5 organizations and I can't remember all their names.  Our leader was a pastor which is pretty cool.  Anyways, very different organizations, but everyone got along which was nice.

Okay, the bottom picture actually happened before the top picture.  We did this thing where you take this test that associates your personality with a color.  Orange is creative, fun, bored easily, flexible, expects things to be done now, quick temper.  Gold is rigid, conservative, by the book, wants things done right.  Green is calm, analytical, likes challenges, doesn't respond well to ignorant or unmotivated people, sarcastic.  Blue is emotional, affectionate, empathetic, values relationships.   I'm an orange.  Josh is so green it's ridiculous.  So in the skits we were supposed to show how all the colors work together.  The bottom pictures are supposed to be taking fifty kindergardeners to the zoo.  I was the out-of-control orange child trying to get in the lions cage.

Yikes, it's almost ten.  I really do need to go to the vet now!

books, books, books

I stole this from someone's facebook, so I'm doing it differently.  This was fun for me because I had to actually think about why these books stick with me, which is what I chose to explain instead of tagging 15 people :P   These are in no particular order.

Rules: Don't take too long to think about it. List 15 books you've read that will always stick with you. They should be the first 15 you can recall in no more than 15 minutes. Tag 15 friends, including me, because I'm interested in seeing what books my friends choose. (To do this, go to your Notes tab on your Profile page, paste rules in a new Note, cast your 15 picks, and tag people in the Note.

15. The Shack  -  This book showed God to me in a way that no other book has before (aside from the books of the Bible).  It's controversial, but I still love the concepts it brings about and showing God who comes into the middle of someone's pain and reveals Himself in an incredible way.  To me, it just shows the hugely personal side of God that I think corporate religion so often forgets

14. Speak - This book deals with teen rape.  I read it long before I probably should have and it's fiction, but I think what really stuck out to me about it is how it left me with such a desire to be compassionate towards people.

13. Blue Like Jazz - I love how genuine Donald Miller comes across in this book.  Christian books are always very hit or miss with me and this one was a definite hit.

12. Love & Respect - Read this right after getting married.  It put some things into perspective for me that I just hadn't thought about prior to reading it.  I know it's somewhat redundant, but I actually think that's great because messages from this book come back to me all the time.

11. The Giver - I can't really describe why I loved this book...  Read it for the first time in middle school and it just always stuck with me.  I have no idea how many times I've read it now.. A lot.

10. The Great Gatsby -  The first book read in school that I actually liked.  It has definitely made me want to read more great american classics, and I have bought some, but am yet to finish any of them yet hah

9. The Book of Lost Things - This book is a little eery and deals with fairy tales.  I actually like that the fairy tales in this book aren't about happily ever afters.  It's a unique and fresh perspective.

8. Seventeenth Summer - This book reminded me a lot of how i felt as i gradually fell in love with Josh as a teenager.  I've read Nicholas Sparks and all, but as far as romance stories go, this is the one I connected with the most (although The Notebook is probably closer to my actual story haha)

7. In the Lake of the Woods - I had a craving for a new book, but Josh and I were trying not to spend money, so I raided his book collection and walked away with this.  It's gritty and interesting and the first war book I had ever read.  I couldn't believe I liked it.

6. Sex God - It seems like sex is such a taboo subject in church, or at least it was for me growing up.  I think I would have viewed it differently if I had read this book back then.  It really deals with how sex relates to God and what its purpose is.  It doesn't take the romance out at all.  If anything, it makes the idea of sex an even more romantic concept.

5. Wicked - combines my love of theatre and love of reading...  It was a little too graphic in some areas, but the overall story is great

4. To Kill A Mockingbird - I read half of this in high school and then started with the cliffnotes.  I eventually went back and read the whole thing and loved it.  Deals with some major issues.  It actually reminds me of a case that went down in my grandparent's town in the early 20th century.

3. The Diary of a Young Girl (Anne Frank) - I think it's important to be moved by historical horrors and to be reminded of what should never be allowed to occur again.  There are many Holocaust books that have touched me (Katarina was the first one), but I like that this one is an accurate account.

2. The Chronicles of Narnia (whole series)  -  Apologetics meets children's books... yes please.

1. Harry Potter (whole series) - I just love that after years and years of being nicknamed "Whitney Library" and being made fun of for loving to read... Harry Potter made reading cool.

pull me closer to love

So I went to Toys-R-Us today to get a baby shower gift.  I found most everything I wanted to get her, but I remembered a pacifier/pacifier keeper set at target that I thought she would like as well.  They didn't have it at Toys-R-Us so I decided to make the Target trip.   As I was walking around, I noticed a guy.. early twenties-ish.. leaning up against the corner of target.  He was holding a cardboard sign, but I couldn't read what it said and I didn't want to turn around and stare.  As I walked out of view of the guy and his sign towards my car, I knew I was supposed to go back.  I in no way wanted to because I've always held the "they'll use it on drugs or alcohol theory" and I felt quite sure he wanted money.  Either way, it was a knowledge way too strong not to ignore and that just driving away would be basically disobedience to God.  So I literally closed my car door, muttered "crap", and drove back up to the front of Target to read his sign.  It said "Pretty much screwed.  Anything helps."  I rarely carry cash but knew I had $5 in my wallet, so I looked away from him and towards the parking lot to find a place to park to go back to him.  The closest non-handicapped spot to the door was open with no one in the aisle waiting on it which has never happened to me in the two years I've been going to Murfreesboro's Target.  I pulled in, got out the money, and walked up to the guy.  He had headphones on and was looking down and moving his fingers as though he were playing guitar.  He looked up and realized I was coming towards him.  He took the headphones out and as I approached, I was nearly knocked back by his ice blue eyes and the entire aura of normalcy that he gave off.  I gave the him the money and told him I hoped things get better for him.  He said he was hoping they would soon and gave me this weary half smile.  I walked off with so many things running through my head.

It occurred to me that with his headphones and non-ragged clothes, he could just be playing me and use the money for something completely unimportant, but I remembered Matt Reed once saying "It doesn't matter how he uses it.  You still get the blessing and you still showed love."

I then started thinking about how normal he was in a different light.  I realized that Josh and I could easily lose everything.  I started thinking about how giving what we have helps us lose our attachment to it.  I think generosity is (obviously) the best cure to selfishness, but along with that, depression, greed, coveting, etc.  I think a content person is a generous person.  The line from a Mat Kearney song ran through my head "We're all one phone call from our knees."   I thought about how true that was and then decided to turn on my radio.  

Where naturally that song was playing.  

I then started thinking about how much of loving people isn't even about other people.  So much of loving people involves me and God and where my heart lies and what he's showing me and whether or not I'm trusting him with everything.

I got home with this crazy indescribable peace about Josh and me and our finances and job situation.  It was just a good afternoon. :)

And here is the song b/c I now have extra affection for it.

She got the call today
One out of the gray
And when the smoke cleared
It took her breath away

She said she didn't believe
It could happen to me
I guess we're all one phone call from our knees

We're gonna get there soon

If every building falls
And all the stars fade
We'll still be singing this song
The one they can't take away

I'm gonna get there soon
She's gonna be there too
Cryin' in her room
Prayin' oh, Lord come through

We're gonna get there soon

Oh, it's your light
Oh, it's your way
Pull me out of the dark
Just to shoulder the weight
Cryin' out now
From so far away
You pull me closer to love
Closer to love

Meet me once again
Down off Lake Michigan
Where we could feel the storm blowin'
Down with the wind

And don't apologize
For all the tears you've cried
You've been way too strong now for all your life

I'm gonna get there soon
You're gonna be there too
Cryin' in your room
Prayin' Lord come through

We're gonna get there soon

Oh, it's your light
Oh, it's your way
Pull me out of the dark
Just to shoulder the weight
Cryin' out now
From so far away
You pull me closer to love
Closer to love

Cause you are all that I've waited for all of my life
(We're gonna get there)
You are all that I've waited all of my life

you have suffered enough and warred with yourself. its time that you won.

i was thinking of all sorts of things that i wanted to blog about earlier, but now it is 12:30 a.m. and I've got nothing.

i love that being broken before God doesn't mean consumed by guilt or afraid of disappointment.  i love that everything is better when I lay broken at his feet and let him build me back up.

i love that he surprises me.  just as i start to accept an undesirable situation as the norm, he switches it up on me.  he lets me know he is still there and is working in ways i can't see.

i love that he humbles me.  i love that just when i think i have someone figured out, he lets me see a part of them that i had lost sight of.  

i hate that i always notice when i end a sentence with a preposition..  That last sentence is driving me crazy, but I think it would sound silly to say "a part of them of which I have lost sight."

and so i will end this blog.

incredibly bored

i don't really have anything specific on my mind, but i'm bored.

i've been diving head-first into ad club stuff over the past week. i'm pretty excited about it, which makes me feel like a nerd. i'm just afraid all this stuff i'm planning for is going to fall through which would honestly be a little heartbreaking as i'm finally starting to talk to people who are getting excited about ad club stuff as well.

i'm kind of weirded out that it's already July. this year is absolutely flying by. i also realized a couple of days ago that i will have known josh for 7 years in September. that's a third of my life and entirely bizarre to think about.

he's pretty great, by the way.

i hate commas :/

i'm actually ready for it to be tomorrow b/c of bible study. i love that josh is actually getting to go with me again hah

i bought okra today because josh said he would eat it, but i forgot to get cornmeal. that's what happens when i don't make a list :/. On the upside, I spent less than $80 and have enough for meals the rest of this week and hopefully part of next week as well.

meh, i'm so bored. if it didn't mean josh leaving, i'd almost wish school would start back just for the company/stuff to do.

i'm unbelievably ready to graduate. and for josh's company to tell us for 100% sure what is going on.

theee enndd.

let them hear you through me

Profanity bothers me.

But not in the way you may think.

So at the 2007 Passion Conference in Atlanta, John Piper made comment referring to pride and God kicking the arse of prideful servants. He did not use the British version of the word. At the time, I was truly taken aback. I couldn't believe he had said that in front of thousands of students at a Christian conference. It was naturally a hot topic of conversation and as we got on the van to head to wherever it was we were going, the guy in front of me turned around and stated "But the context in which he used it was absolutely beautiful and true."

That really hit me. Piper was saying some incredibly important things that so many, including myself, needed to hear, yet I missed the whole message because I was hung up on a word.

This brings two questions:
1. What is the intent behind banning certain words?
2. Is it the intent or the word that matters more?

Well, it actually raises 2 more questions, but I'll get to those momentarily.

First, the Bible:

Ephesians 5:4
Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving.

Ephesians 4:29
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

James 3:5-12
Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man, but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? My brothers, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.

Psalm 34:11-13
Come, my children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the LORD. Whoever of you loves life and desires to see many good days, keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies.

Proverbs 8:13
To fear the LORD is to hate evil; I hate pride and arrogance, evil behavior and perverse speech.

Here is my deduction: I think it is far worse to use words like "worthless", "piece of crap", "stupid whore", "dead to me", "not good enough", "undeserving", etc, etc to tear people down than for someone to tell me I did a kick-arse job on a presentation. For me, it's so much more about the intent. I believe word choice is just that - a personal choice.

I personally try to avoid using those words at this point in my life because they can be offensive to so many people, even though they may not even have a reason why they are offended by them. However, I don't find the words in and of themselves to be wrong, and I never want anyone to feel uncomfortable or judged for saying those words around me. And I never want someone to feel I base their character off simple words. It's just silly. Words can reveal the heart, of course, but it's the message behind the words, not the words themselves.

So here is the second set of questions the Piper incident opened up for me.
1. Piper's word choice caused many students who may not have been listening to pay attention to what Piper was talking about. He made some feel unjudged and came across as someone who cared far more about saving souls and changing lives than following rules about word usage. Should words like that be deliberately used in certain audiences to reach them?
2. Piper's word choice caused me personally to become so hung up on the word that I missed the message. Is it better to refrain from the word in order to not alienate any of the audience, although you may not be reaching some or appearing as "real"?

This is where I am stuck. I feel as though words can get you labeled as "genuine" or a "hypocrite". Again, I find this utterly ridiculous because they are just words.

I guess I am an advocate of: Words don't hurt people. People hurt people. :P