you have suffered enough and warred with yourself. its time that you won.

i was thinking of all sorts of things that i wanted to blog about earlier, but now it is 12:30 a.m. and I've got nothing.

i love that being broken before God doesn't mean consumed by guilt or afraid of disappointment.  i love that everything is better when I lay broken at his feet and let him build me back up.

i love that he surprises me.  just as i start to accept an undesirable situation as the norm, he switches it up on me.  he lets me know he is still there and is working in ways i can't see.

i love that he humbles me.  i love that just when i think i have someone figured out, he lets me see a part of them that i had lost sight of.  

i hate that i always notice when i end a sentence with a preposition..  That last sentence is driving me crazy, but I think it would sound silly to say "a part of them of which I have lost sight."

and so i will end this blog.

incredibly bored

i don't really have anything specific on my mind, but i'm bored.

i've been diving head-first into ad club stuff over the past week. i'm pretty excited about it, which makes me feel like a nerd. i'm just afraid all this stuff i'm planning for is going to fall through which would honestly be a little heartbreaking as i'm finally starting to talk to people who are getting excited about ad club stuff as well.

i'm kind of weirded out that it's already July. this year is absolutely flying by. i also realized a couple of days ago that i will have known josh for 7 years in September. that's a third of my life and entirely bizarre to think about.

he's pretty great, by the way.

i hate commas :/

i'm actually ready for it to be tomorrow b/c of bible study. i love that josh is actually getting to go with me again hah

i bought okra today because josh said he would eat it, but i forgot to get cornmeal. that's what happens when i don't make a list :/. On the upside, I spent less than $80 and have enough for meals the rest of this week and hopefully part of next week as well.

meh, i'm so bored. if it didn't mean josh leaving, i'd almost wish school would start back just for the company/stuff to do.

i'm unbelievably ready to graduate. and for josh's company to tell us for 100% sure what is going on.

theee enndd.

let them hear you through me

Profanity bothers me.

But not in the way you may think.

So at the 2007 Passion Conference in Atlanta, John Piper made comment referring to pride and God kicking the arse of prideful servants. He did not use the British version of the word. At the time, I was truly taken aback. I couldn't believe he had said that in front of thousands of students at a Christian conference. It was naturally a hot topic of conversation and as we got on the van to head to wherever it was we were going, the guy in front of me turned around and stated "But the context in which he used it was absolutely beautiful and true."

That really hit me. Piper was saying some incredibly important things that so many, including myself, needed to hear, yet I missed the whole message because I was hung up on a word.

This brings two questions:
1. What is the intent behind banning certain words?
2. Is it the intent or the word that matters more?

Well, it actually raises 2 more questions, but I'll get to those momentarily.

First, the Bible:

Ephesians 5:4
Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving.

Ephesians 4:29
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

James 3:5-12
Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man, but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? My brothers, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.

Psalm 34:11-13
Come, my children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the LORD. Whoever of you loves life and desires to see many good days, keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies.

Proverbs 8:13
To fear the LORD is to hate evil; I hate pride and arrogance, evil behavior and perverse speech.

Here is my deduction: I think it is far worse to use words like "worthless", "piece of crap", "stupid whore", "dead to me", "not good enough", "undeserving", etc, etc to tear people down than for someone to tell me I did a kick-arse job on a presentation. For me, it's so much more about the intent. I believe word choice is just that - a personal choice.

I personally try to avoid using those words at this point in my life because they can be offensive to so many people, even though they may not even have a reason why they are offended by them. However, I don't find the words in and of themselves to be wrong, and I never want anyone to feel uncomfortable or judged for saying those words around me. And I never want someone to feel I base their character off simple words. It's just silly. Words can reveal the heart, of course, but it's the message behind the words, not the words themselves.

So here is the second set of questions the Piper incident opened up for me.
1. Piper's word choice caused many students who may not have been listening to pay attention to what Piper was talking about. He made some feel unjudged and came across as someone who cared far more about saving souls and changing lives than following rules about word usage. Should words like that be deliberately used in certain audiences to reach them?
2. Piper's word choice caused me personally to become so hung up on the word that I missed the message. Is it better to refrain from the word in order to not alienate any of the audience, although you may not be reaching some or appearing as "real"?

This is where I am stuck. I feel as though words can get you labeled as "genuine" or a "hypocrite". Again, I find this utterly ridiculous because they are just words.

I guess I am an advocate of: Words don't hurt people. People hurt people. :P

love you more - james william hindle

i searched for these lyrics tonight and it irritated me that i couldn't find them anywhere.  they aren't going to win any awards or anything, but i still really like the song.  so for any future lyric-looker-uppers, here they are:

i love you more than i could ever say, or sing, or even show

but i need to have you near so i can feel your heart next to mine

just so you'll know

i'm never going anywhere

i'll always be right there when you need me

because i care

and if i'm shallow, cold, and empty

it's because i feel so strong about you

i apologize for all the times i hurt you

i didn't mean to 

that much is true

and at the end of the day

the only thing that matters is

i love you.

the Christian rant

So something has occurred to me lately. Thus, I am blogging.

First - I bought Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred DVD - thanks to Missy's miraculous powers of persuasion. I've only been doing it 2 days, but it's completely kicking my butt. I'm sore from head to toe. Didn't help that I spent most of the day hiking and climbing haha

Anyways, on to other things. I feel like it's incredibly easy for us as Christians to defend ourselves against from being kept accountable by saying "You're not supposed to judge." This somewhat builds on my last post. I was so afraid of coming across as judgmental and harsh, but I really think it's sad that it comes down to that. I said what I said with complete love and respect. Should that not just be accountability?

We all know the ten commandments, but I think it's way too easy to take them at face value. We know not to murder or covet, commit adultery or steal. We understand that murder includes hatred and adultery includes lust after anyone who isn't your spouse. We know God's standards are so incredibly high, so why do we stop there with those commandments? If two have such high standards, wouldn't it be easy to say the others probably have higher standards than just face value?

Here's the one that I've really been thinking about lately: We're commanded not to take God's name in vain. Here are the first three commandments via Exodus 20:2-7 NIV.

"I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. (1) You shall have no other gods before me. (2) You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand {generations} of those who love me and keep my commandments. (3) You shall not misuse the name of the LORD your God, for the LORD will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses his name. "

So the first three commandments have to do with preserving the holiness and glory of God. He is first. He is the only. And He is not to be taken lightly. He lays that all out on the table before moving on to everything else. Why? Personally, I think it's to make sure you listen to the rest. If you know he is the one and only most important thing/person/deity (no idea what noun should go here) in life and you know He expects you to take that seriously, you get a little healthy respect and take His words with all the salt you can find. You know that whatever comes after that.. He means business.

I actually think these first three commandments are the ones we break the most. It's not uncommon to hear a church sermon or bible study message on putting things before God and virtually making idols out of those things, but how often do we talk about what it means and the severity of misusing the name of God? If he put in in the top ten back in the day, it's clearly a big deal.

I'm crazy guilty of this in the obvious sense of saying "OMG" when shocked or surprised by something. And it's something I will continue to work on. However, I think the biggest misuse of the name of the Lord is actually in the word "Christian."

Again, countless sermons have reminded us that "Christian" means "little Christ." To call ourselves little Christ.. that is a HUGE thing. That means things! It isn't to be taken lightly at all! If we're going to label ourselves with the name of our Savior, we'd better be prepared to make that mean something. We have to be held accountable to what Christ did and called us to do. Otherwise, in my personal opinion and strongly held belief, we are absolutely misusing the name of Christ, which I'm thinking falls in with commandment number 3 due to the whole trinity thing.

When we form tightly held cliques in our churches, the places that are supposed to offer hope and warmth and love to anyone who walks through the door, and we let the world associate our cliques with being "Christians", we're misusing His name. When we value Pharasitic (not a word, but work with me here) rules more than relationships and label ourselves "Christians" for following those rules, we're misusing His name. When we refuse to get angry over injustices and give in to timidity or conformity, we are misusing His name! I do it so much more than I even realize. And I realize that to so many people I know and so many people I grew up with, this is blatantly offensive. But if we call ourselves Christians, we MUST be held accountable to what that means or we trivialize what being "little Christs" to the world is really about.

That overlooked commandment is really such a big deal. It's why we've lost so many people to the belief that we're snobby or hypocrites or want nothing more than to bring them down or that we're indifferent to their problems or needs or indifferent to human suffering general. And it's something I think we all do and all will keep doing much like hate and lust. I think those things kind of creep up on us because we're human. But I also believe that the only way to change behavior is to acknowledge the full extent of the problem. Maybe we just don't think about it enough. Maybe if we think about it more, things can start to change.

This is such a rant. I don't mean to sound angry, but the truth is I kind of am. I don't like seeing the name of our Savior become meaningless or worse. I don't like being someone who is contributing to that. So anyways, it's just something I've come to realize to its full extent lately, and it's something I desperately want to work on.

End Rant.

knowing when to reject silence

growing up i was always intimidated by the oh-so strong faith of those I was spiritually mentored by.  As I get older, I start to see holes in the faith and practice of those I owe so much to.  I guess what's hard now is knowing when it's appropriate to say something, because sometimes these people I love and respect and who are so much wiser than me get clouded by emotions and truly get it wrong.  I don't want to judge others, but I know we're supposed to keep each other accountable, because we're not perfect and sometimes an outside perspective is necessary to get past those emotional blinders.  I guess for me it's hard because I'm always younger and always with a harder past and I always make excuses for why this or that isn't my place.  But in the back of my head is a nagging voice telling me to remember 1 Timothy 4:11 & 12  "Teach these things and insist that everyone learn them. ¹² Don’t let anyone think less of you because you are young. Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity" and 2 Timothy 1:7 "For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline."   So today I finally took a step forward and said something to someone I respect so much.  It was one of those things where the triggering event happened and I knew instantly that I was supposed to say something, and oh let me tell you, I in no way wanted to.  I got this fluttering in my stomach and this fear of being offensive.  Fortunately, not long ago in our small group, we mentioned how easy it is to ignore something God is telling us to do.  I'm supposed to bold and empowered by God.  I can't keep ignoring what I know He is saying to my heart.  I can't keep quiet.

So I won't.

the relevance of country music.

so basically, this sums up what i'm thinking most nights before sleeping. thank you, brad paisley.

except you know, josh isn't a girl and won't be having babies. but the general idea, nonetheless.

I remember trying not to stare the night that I first met you 
You had me mesmerized
3 weeks later in the front porch light taking 45 min to kiss you goodnight
I hadn’t told you yet but I thought I loved you then

Now you’re my whole life; now you’re my whole world
I just can’t believe the way I feel about you girl
Like a river meets the sea
Stronger than it’s ever been
We’ve come so far since that day
And I thought I loved you then.

I remember taking you back to right where I first met you 
You were so surprised 
There were people around 
But I didn’t care I got down on one knee right there
And once again I thought I loved you then 

Now you’re my whole life; now you’re my whole world
I just can’t believe the way I feel about you girl
Like a river meets the sea
Stronger than it’s ever been
We’ve come so far since that day
And I thought I loved you then.

I can just see you with a baby on the way
I can just see you when your hair is turning gray
What I can’t see is how I’m ever gonna love you more
But I’ve said that before.

Now you’re my whole life; now you’re my whole world
I just can’t believe the way I feel about you girl
Well look back some day at this moment that we’re in
And I'll look at you and say I thought I loved you then