change

i just completed my last final (yes, at 11:30.. oh the joys of an online class), and i'm feeling strange as I consider that this time next year, i'll have been in a new state w/ hopefully a new job for several months. this semester has been a good one. last semester was kind of crazy with adjusting to more hours with school and married life in conjunction with being a college student. this semester was more about finding my routine and getting some consistency. it's been fun to slip into the new normal routine with josh. but sure enough, just as things are settled, everything will get turned upside down again.

my final semester is going to look a lot different. josh will be in a different state. that's easily the biggest difference. i also don't know what department i'll work in.. hopefully still management and marketing, but my boss passed away on sunday and she's the one who assigned positions and made the schedule, so i'm not quite sure. it will be really strange not working with her either way. i'm also our ad club president. the club is in a transition stage. this semester's presidents got it organized. my job is grow the club and help it gain some recognition on campus. we also have an opportunity to implement a campaign for a company in murfreesboro, but the time-demands and size of our club makes that seem difficult. i may leave developing an agency to the next president. i'm just not sure yet. i'll be in a campaigns class of my own and only taking 15 hours - which is an incredible blessing because campaigns alone is the time-equivilant of a 9 hour class. the familiar faces and in-class friends i've made over the last 2 semesters within my department are all graduating in may or august.

point being: i'm excited but incredibly nervous for my final semester. i think i'm in denial about the stress of trying to land a job in a place where i have no contacts. everything i think about it, i start to freak out. i've got some time, so i'm just ignoring it for now and focusing on building my resume. regardless of the economy and the move and all the stuff that comes with moving to the next stage in life, i still wouldn't change it. a girl graduating in may told me today "i would give anything to be 16 again." i still firmly stand solid in the fact that you could not pay me enough money to be 16 again. i had no idea who i was or where i was going. i still don't know where i'm going or where i'll end up, but i know exactly who i am in Christ and that makes a world of difference.

church always seems to get me thinking

so New Vision is doing a series called Cultural Christianity and last night touched on idolatry. If I'm honest with myself, idolatry is something I never think about but that runs rampant is most of our lives, including my own. A little while back we talked in our group on Sundays about marriage and how its really all about Jesus.

I guess when I combined these two thoughts, I came up with the fact that I tend to idolize my marriage. Upon first realization of this, I was a little unsure about what to do about it. I'm completely unperfect in my love for Josh. I'm still selfish and I don't think God wants me to love him any less. That doesn't solve the idolatry problem. Instead of loving my marriage less, I need to love God more. I guess what really got to me was this thought: If something happened to Josh and he had left me this love letter and story of everything that made him who he was and what got him where he was and that showed me who I am and how I could make sure I would see him again, I would devour it. It was be with me all the time. I'd read it over and over again remembering him and still loving him for what was there. I'd store it in my heart and it would comfort me in sadness and encourage me and be a source of joy. If in this letter, he left me with a few last requests... to contine to love him and those around me and to tell others his story, I would never be silent. I would honor those requests out of my love and respect for him.

And its those things that made me realize the idolizing of my marriage. Because I don't carry my Bible with me everywhere. I don't overflow with the story of Jesus and his incredible love on a daily basis. I don't pour over the Bible and realize its full power. I don't ache with an undeniable passion to do those few things the love of my life, my Savior, asked of me.

But I think part of the solution is realizing the problem, which I do, and acknowledging that its a problem I do want to solve.

The thought passed through my head the other day "It's so hard to be this person and to constantly remember Jesus in everything I do and to love God with everything I am. Why is this so hard?" And then it occured to me that it's not hard at all. It should be incredibly easy. He's the source of everything good in my life. He's in every breath I take and every relationship I develop. He's in EVERYTHING around me. With reminders all over the place, it should be hard to forget. But it isn't. I think that just shows the extent of my selfishness. If every single thing in my life is from God and I can still get lost in myself, how self-absorbed am I? And I don't say this in consumable guilt. It's just the realization of how broken I am and how all the more incredible it is that He loves me anyway. My faults only make me need Him more and thus become far more appreciative of who He is and what He's done for me.

I think the single greatest change in my life over the last year is the amount I think about God and talk to Him. It was asked in church yesterday if we could go a day without talking to God or thinking about Him. There was a point in time when I could have easily answered yes to that question, but as I thought about it yesterday, I realized that although I feel my need for Him and my imperfections more now than ever, He's also more intertwined in my life now than ever. And I'm happier now than ever. If that makes any sense. The thought of going a day without talking to God is actually painful. I'm kind of in love with that.

I think I'll stop here as I need to shower and finish some stuff before class. Just some thoughts though.

oh sleepy puppy

This is how buddy sleeps.  I've been trying to get a picture for a while now, but he usually wakes up.  This time he didn't :)

he stretched out even more as i started typing this and kicked my laptop shut hah    he keeps twitching, alternating between left hand and each foot...  he never twitches all at the same time.  just goes back and forth.

he's now buried in blankets and dreaming about being allowed to eat everything in sight i'm sure

Busy, Busy, Busy

It's that time in the semester when all the big projects and papers and presentations are pretty much consuming my life. It's 12:35, my first class was canceled, and all I've done since 8:30 this morning is school work. Not to mention, yesterday from 10:30 - 1:00 in the morning, I worked on school work. Plus I stayed late at school meeting with professors about projects. And on Monday - same thing. Stayed at school late working on projects, and spent a couple hours Monday night working on Ad Management and Ad Club stuff. meh. On the upside, I realized an assignment I thought was due this Friday isn't actually due until April 12th. On the downside, I have a 6 page paper due tomorrow, a feature article due Monday, and an extended case study presentation on Tuesday and a website and a press kit due... sometime soon (Wednesday, I think).

Which means I shouldn't be on here, but I had to take a break from PR Comm for a minute.

And back to work I go.

Legacy

For some reason, it always seems to be after midnight when I find myself deep in thought about my life, where I've come from, what I've gone through, where I am, and what I want to be.

I've heard a lot about leaving legacies throughout my church experiences.  The idea is to leave something behind when you go - a legacy for Christ.  

I know what I want my legacy to be.  When I die, I want people to remember me as someone who loved the unlovable.  I want to be the person that befriends the ostracized, writes letters to death row inmates, who is generous whether I have a little or a lot, and who believes in lost causes.  I want to be the person that notices the new girl in the back row or the guy stocking the shelves at the grocery store or the homeless guy that sits on the same corner down the street.  I don't want to just invest my life into my close family and friends.  I want my heart to beat for "the least of these."  I don't want to tell people about Christ with an evangecube or a pamphlet.  I don't want to go on mission trips for a week every couple of years.  I want every single day to be a living testimony to the grace of my God.  I want my life to scream "I should be unlovable.  But God loves me anyway.  And that makes me want to love you."

I want to be held accountable to this.  These aren't just words spurted out to make myself feel spiritual or to portray some kind of ideal person to those with expectations.  I think deep down at the very core of who I am, the person described above is all I want to be.  More than a wife or mother or an advertising executive.  Because if I can get that right... If I can love the unlovable, how much better of a wife and future mother and coworker can I be?  If I can love those the world doesn't see as valuable, I should be able to exponentially love those who enrich my life beyond words every single day.  If I can be that person, I can radiate with a holy love everyday.  And that love is bound to spill over to my family.  If I lose everything and everyone I care about, I still want to be a person who is able to be used to bless those I come in contact with.  I want that kind of faith and courage.  

I guess I say this because I've been struggling with this lately.  I find my lack of patience getting better than me.  Or worse, I find myself afraid to take action.  I see a situation, feel a pull to do something about it, and then backtrack.  I begin making excuses.  I need to stop with all the "what if"s and "what would they think"s and "how would i do that"s.  I think sometimes as Christians, we ignore stirrings we have in a heart about something, but don't necessarily categorize it as sin because perhaps the situation isn't directly referenced in the Bible.  If it's not black and white, sometimes we assume the gray is unimportant.  But I believe God actively speaks to us all the time, and therefore if he's telling me to do something - even if it isn't spelled out step-by-step in the Bible - it's still sin if I don't do it.  It's disobedience.  It's ignoring God.  And it's not who I want to be.

Snow Buddy

So yesterday was eventful.. Birthday celebrations with my parents and Buddy's first snow experience at about 2 this morning.

Life after Midnight.

it's a little bit after midnight, and I'm having one of those days where physically, I just feel drained, but mentally, I'm wide awake. I got tons of sleep last night, and I haven't done anything even the least bit physically strenuous today, so I'm not quite getting it. If anything it should be reversed as I've been working on school stuff since 8 (granted, I fell asleep for 30 minutes.. twice.)

I've intended to write like 5 times in the last two weeks, but somehow it never happened. My computer has a virus now, which is pleasant... except that it's not. I downloaded a picture off flickr to use for a school assignment, and poof - virus-bonanza.

It's been a fun couple of weeks. Valentine's came and went. We dressed up and went to dinner the night before. Then just relaxed at home all day for our first married Valentine's day. Josh's birthday was last weekend. We went to lunch w/ his family + Garrett and Sarah. We're having dinner w/ my family to do more birthday stuff tomorrow. Bud-bud's coming along. That should be entertaining.

He graduated from obedience training. The little goober did a test run of training right in front of the instructor before doing the official test. He was a model student during the test run. But the minute the actual test started... stubborn as his daddy. He eventually gave in after bribery with many treats. We walked away with pictures of Buddy in a graduate hat, a diploma, some coupons, and a dog who can follow some basic commands.. when he feels like it. He's a big baby lately. Around 4:30 - 5:00, he goes and lays against the front door and just whines and whines until Josh comes home. If I'm working on homework, he'll come put his paws on the book and whine until I give him some attention. I'm especially annoyed today, because he whined constantly. And he drenched me during his bath. We used to struggled to get him to shake off the water in the shower. Now, he starts shaking as soon as the water hits him and continues periodically until its over. He always saves at least two good shakes for outside of the bathroom though. One right next to the bed. And one all over the hardwood. I have to chase behind him with a towel for a good 15 minutes after bathtime. He's also still afraid of the dark. Tonight, he sat on his butt and refused to move a bout 5 feet from the door to the backyard. I tried to coerce him into going out, but he just wasn't going to budge. So i got behind him and scooted him on his bottom right out the door. I swear that dog can glare.

That was a lot of complaining, but I typed it all with a smile. Because as frustrating as he can be, he's a wonderful addition to our lives and I really enjoy having him around. I couldn't imagine ever not having a dog now.

We're going through Hebrews in our Bible Study. I'm the one who proposed the book, because I love it, and yet somehow, I'm confused by it a lot lately. I guess I didn't view things quite in the same way as our small group. I'm learning a lot, but last night I walked away pretty baffled. I'm having one of those "I know God's here, but I just don't feel him as closely as I have before" times. It has nothing to do with a lack of faith or anything like that. It's neglect on my part, I think. Life's gotten busier and I haven't adjusted the way I should or want to. A couple weeks ago, we discussed prayer in our church group. It occured to me that somewhere around the beginning of the semester, I stopped letting prayer be a conversation and turned it into a monologue. My bible reading is more sporadic and I don't take as much time to just "be still and know He's God." The whole being still and letting God speak in the silence is something that really hits home with me and is one of the most valued parts of that relationship in my opinion. I realized that so many of my prayers included "I miss you" yet my actions were sending mixed signals. Therefore, I'm trying to make a concious effort to find moments of peace somewhere in my day just to focus on God and what He has to say. They're showing up in really random, wonderful places. I'm constantly reminded about how faithful God is. Brittany recently blogged about God being there in the details, and that's something I completely identify with. It never ceases to amaze me that the God of the universe is still willing to help me find a parking spot. I know that sounds trivial, but I truly believe He cares enough to provide even those small things. Actually, I know he does as there've been at least three occasions this semester where I should have been late due to some printing issues, but haven't been because of an amazing parking spot and a conversation with God on the way over. I'm trying to remember to thank Him for every little thing. I never realized how much happier I am when I'm taking any and every opportunity to just talk to God throughout my day. If I get busy and forget, I find myself worrying more and feeling more overwhelmed. Not once have I ever turned something over to God and He's not been faithful. He's provided what I needed, even if I didn't know I needed it, every single time.

Well, that was a bucket full of rambling. Didn't even intend to get into all that when I sat down to write. I've actually completely forgotten what I was going to say throughout the rest of this. Something about a scary job market and an attempt to build my portfolio. Which lead to a thought process of God being faithful with my career when I graduate and -gulp- move. So there's the thought process. Touche.

There's something really wonderful about being able to honestly say that on this day, February 27, 2009, I have never been happier with my life. And that tomorrow, February 28, I will probably close my eyes thinking the same thing. I've come a long way from who I used to be. There's so much that's incredible about that. For example, despite the insane changes Josh and I have both experienced, we've managed to grow closer together. Growing up and getting married young and just all of it, so many times I keep hearing that we're not the same people that we'll be at 28 or 36 or whatever ideal age people think you should find the love of your life. But we're not the same people we were at 14 or 16 or 18 and yet the people we're becoming still love each other. That's God. Totally and completely. I've said it before and I'll probably say it a million more times before I die: I can't describe how amazing I find it that God never has to resort to plan B. He truly met both of us where we were and brought us back to the blessings he intended. It's completely undeserved. Grace at its finest.

Whoa, again with the rambling. Maybe I'm more tired than I realized?

And thus, I shall end this.